Expectations Destroy Relationships
Photo Credit: Yasin Yusuf
It’s 7 months after the birth of my son and I have found that the pressures of society have caused me to begin to stop trying to maintain relationships. Parenthood is busy, it’s stressful and it’s demanding all because of the child alone. When adding in the requirements of Jobs and just maintaining a home and immediate family, most parents are fried. This is a big reason companies are attempting to claim that they have work/life balance, to bring people on. We all know the truth about the job aspect but what about friends and family?
“Parents in general need much greater valuing and support than is currently available to them.”
Truth is parenthood may show the symptoms of being tired and burnt out more often in people but that doesn’t make it any less real for all of us. And let’s face it… Expectations are a big cause of stress.
Ever come home from work to a pile of dishes your significant other created or maybe only added to. Did this make you angry? Maybe you thought…while I’m at work today, I’m sure my significant other will just wash all those dishes and the house will be so much cleaner! It’s a common scenario where we have expectations of our spouse and if it doesn’t happen…we just end up angry.
“Expectations are premeditated resentments”
“Where do we get the sense of power to think that merely expecting others to behave the way we want them to will make them behave that way? And what entitles us to get angry at other people when they fail to meet our expectations?”
Expectations are tricky because when people try to let them go, we may think it means to let go of the things we truly want but that’s not what we are doing. And having them at all isn’t always a problem. It’s normal to have them, but it’s not ok to make them at the forefront of how we treat others. Nor is it ok to put them on yourself. Goals are what we should have, and Communication is how we find ourselves with better relationships.
Yours may not be the only right answer and being right is not always right. We tend to take others’ words and behavior personally when often, it is about them not us. We expect them to think and act just like us and if they don’t, we feel hurt or angry. – Humanpsycology.com
But having communication doesn’t mean others need to behave how we see fit. Ultimately, we are all who we are, so communicating how we feel, and the things we want help to make others understand us better but compromising and ACCEPTING that others aren’t you and your way isn’t always the right way is best. Like giving advice to your friend, if they didn’t follow that advice and they failed, that’s not because they went a different route, it’s because it failed. Period. Your way is your way, not the right way. Life is a beautiful place that has many solutions to many problems.
And then there is the idea of magical thinking, which is also an expectation just a bit more imaginative…
“For many of us, it is difficult to let go of the idea that expecting something to happen will make it happen”
Magical thinking is what we have all been doing as children. Remember when you believed that negative thoughts toward someone would make something bad happen. Because as a child, we are much more literal, so we literally think bad makes bad. And as adults, we may think that if we believe someone should behave a certain way, that will make them behave that way. Yet, that’s not how it works and that’s a common issue with parents towards their children.
Kids are learning and they need goals to follow but they also need reminders and someone to guide them to what is right, so they learn right from wrong. They do not however need a parent to chastise them for everything they do wrong. Because of the expectations from parents. We should not expect our children to only have straight A’s, but we should make sure their goals are to always do their best and want to accomplish as much as they can. So, when they do accomplish that A, they know it’s because they worked hard to get there and it has nothing to do with their capabilities.
Photo Credit: Jp Valery
Capabilities are limits we set on ourselves. We are all much more capable then we think we are especially with the confidence to try. Which is why you see people with a plethora of disabilities doing things that most thought were not possible to do. Those same people believe they are capable to do it all and they banish the expectations others set on them and any expectations they have with themselves.
I know that I personally want to do the best I can and go as far as I can in this life, so rejecting the expectations others have for me is one of the ways I plan on getting there.
I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped. —Fritz Perls, "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim," 1969
What expectations will you reject?
