Breaking Bonds: The Lecture That Changed Everything

Long ago, in the times when cellphones were not miniature computers and MapQuest was heavily considered the best new invention since sliced bread, I was in college and everything I knew about life was disappearing before my eyes. Sound Dramatic? It was to me at the time, but frankly, I could barely be bothered, I was spending way too much time, not going to my classes, and partying all night. I’m a college graduate so don’t worry, I figured out that part, but it took me until today to realize why I started to distance myself from some of the close people to me at the time. It all came down to…The Lecture.

Image Credit: @adigold1

The lecture was what I considered the conversation about what I did wrong and what I could do better, each time I saw someone. The conversations told me, they were happy to see me or hear from me, but it simply wasn’t enough to just see me or hear from me, I had to try harder. I should have been a better friend, daughter, sister, or family member. To them, I was the reason relationships weren’t as strong as they would like. It was me, who was breaking the bonds we had, and I should do better. They told me every single time, I was making the mistake because they mattered, and I wasn’t proving that I was worth their time any longer.

At the time, I would go home, or hang up and think about how hurt they seemed and wonder how long It had been since we had last spoken or seen each other. I wondered if the last time, I did something offensive or toxic for them to think of me in such a bad way. It was always a bit shocking to know someone was upset with me when the last time seemed fine. I was so confused but I was also away from home for the first time in my life and determined to live. Often, my intentions were there to make more of an effort for the person I had hurt. And I would, every time…. but it would dwindle away bit by bit because it kept me home attached to my computer in a chat box, or in another city feeling like the 3rd wheel. I was walking next to people who were forgetting about me as much as I was forgetting them.

Relationships take two to make but also two to break.

I can now clearly see how age and time will pull people apart. It’s ok for people to change and lose touch. But it does hurt.

It may seem like… in this; I’m now blaming others for blaming me. I don’t. They were hurt because what they knew of me was dying every day and I was hurt because they only wanted to remind me to be who I was.

That conversation pushed me to run away faster than I would have initially, I avoided them… and I know that now. I can see the lecture was the last piece of the new puzzle that I was creating for myself. It’s a conversation that to this day, tells me I’m still changing and leaving others behind.

I would leave them behind again.

I love those that aren’t with me anymore, for what was. But I know that conversation immediately says we are toxic for each other now. You want what was and I need to be me here and now.

I will continue to walk away from what people think I should do and happily enter the next phase of my life on whom I have evolved to become.

What is your trigger to let go?  & Who do you avoid the “conversation” with?