Hot Take: Most Children’s Cartoons Are Actually Psychological Thrillers
I know this sounds dramatic, but hear me out: children’s cartoons are not what they seem.
I’m not saying they’re all evil or anything, but… they’re not normal. Not in the way they should be. And once you’ve seen what I’ve seen—you can’t unsee it.
Like, you think you’re just turning something on so your kid doesn’t ask for a snack for 3 straight minutes—but no. You’re entering a twisted, high-stakes psychological experiment. And somehow, your kid is just sitting there. Unbothered. Eating string cheese. While you’re spiraling.
Let’s start with the one that truly breaks my brain:
Image Credit: Midjourney AI
Cocomelon ✨ a.k.a. “Visual Stimulation as a Weapon” ✨
Cocomelon is a soft-colored, high-pitched, overly-smiling fever dream. There is no plot. There is no logic. Only repetition, eerily calm parents, and nursery rhymes that sound like they were recorded in an echo chamber inside your soul.
The characters never blink, the baby’s head is too round, and everything moves just a little too slowly. Like you’re watching life on NyQuil.
And then you realize—you’ve been watching it. You. The adult. You’re three songs deep into "Brush Your Teeth" and you don’t even have a toothbrush in your hand.
Cocomelon doesn’t entertain your kids. It hypnotizes them. It lulls them into submission with songs so sweet they’re suspicious.
Honestly, if a serial killer used Cocomelon as background noise, I wouldn’t be surprised.
Next up is …
Bluey✨ a.k.a. “Therapy, but Animated” ✨
I love Bluey. I do.
But also—why am I crying?? I turned it on to distract the kids, and now I’m processing unresolved childhood trauma while Bandit teaches Bingo emotional regulation during a casual backyard game.
Every episode is some wholesome life lesson like:
“It’s okay to feel sad when things change.”
“You don’t have to win to have fun.”
“Dad can’t always be there, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.”
Excuse me? Was that directed at ME?
I was just trying to fold laundry, not unpack my entire identity.
The pacing, the music, the soft Australian voices gently guiding you to be a better human… It’s giving gentle cult. And I’m in it willingly.
Then There is…
Paw Patrol✨ a.k.a. “Late Stage Capitalism for Toddlers” ✨
Let’s talk about this little dog government. A town entirely dependent on a group of untrained puppies and a child CEO named Ryder.
Where are the adults? Where is CPS? Why does Mayor Humdinger still have access to public funds? This isn’t a kids show—this is a government conspiracy drama with talking dogs.
Also: they all have jobs, they wear uniforms, and they have helicopters, boats, drones… like how much is in the Paw Patrol budget?
Meanwhile, my kid thinks firefighters just slide into action like cartoon dogs on rocket packs. There is no realism. Only chaos and the illusion of control.
Also, why does Chase give cop energy and Rubble is clearly unionizing the workforce? Questions.
Questions I continue with….
Image Credit: Midjourney AI
Dora the Explorer✨ a.k.a. “She Knows Too Much” ✨
Dora stares directly into your soul.
She asks questions she already knows the answers to. She waits. She lets the silence stretch just a little too long. Like she’s testing you.
And then she goes, “THAT’S RIGHT!” with this deep confidence like… girl, I didn’t even say anything.
Swiper is clearly going through something. Boots is just there, no job, no purpose, but always down for an adventure. And the map? The map is the only one with real awareness of time, space, and terrain—he’s the unsung hero.
But Dora? Dora is the mastermind.
She’s not exploring. She’s studying us. And she has never once gotten lost. Suspicious.
Honorable Mentions:
Peppa Pig — The U.K. version of a reality show with light bullying and passive-aggressive parenting. Why is everything slightly mean?
Bubble Guppies — School of fish with dangerously catchy songs and zero logic. I’m just saying: they swim to school but also sit at desks underwater?
Caillou — Emotional terrorism in a bald wrapper. This is the child embodiment of unchecked audacity.
So, what am I saying?
Cocomelon doesn’t entertain your kids. It hypnotizes them.
Bluey is therapy disguised as animation, and I’m emotionally invested.
Paw Patrol is a political thriller wrapped in a chew toy.
Dora’s not asking questions. She’s studying you.
Caillou is the villain origin story of our collective patience.
I’m saying I’ve seen things. Things I didn’t ask to see.
And I now watch every cartoon my kids love with the same cautious attention I give to true crime documentaries. Because there is something going on.
These are not simple shows. These are carefully crafted, emotionally manipulative, pastel-colored mind games.
And honestly? I kind of love it.
But I’m watching them. Watching me. Watching them. 👀👀👀👀
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